"Kids Say the Darnedest Things"

Art Linkletter -- Moose Jaw native who was an American Radio & television personality for 25 years

Remember Art Linkletter? He was a television celebrity back in the 50s and 60s. I used to watch People are Funny and Kids Say the Darnedest Things all the time. He found humour in everyday life. In the process, he often exposed a lot of uncomfortable truths about people.

This was especially true of Kids Say the Darnedest Things, because the kids he interviewed didn't generally realize they were airing the family skeletons. They were simply answering Art's questions. The result: viewers hooted while parents blushed and hid. (For those of you too young to remember these television programs, you can check them out on YouTube.)

Here are a few examples of the gems kids have uttered on his show over the years: --

How to get a baby: "Give Mommy a lot of real sweet food so she'll get fat—that's how you get a baby".

On pets: "Our pussycat has got some kittens and I didn't even know she was married".

On Eve's punishment: "How did God punish Eve? Well... he made Adam... sit down and read the Bible. What did he do with Eve? He made her... a housewife".

Little girl, when asked about her pets: "I used to have a duck, but it ran away. Then I had a turtle, but my father stepped on it. Then I had three goldfish, but my sister put water softener in their bowl and they softened to death."

What did your mommy tell you not to say?

"My mother told me not to tell any of the family secrets, like the time she dyed her hair blonde and it came out purple."

As a writer of books for young people, I keep my ears open for the things kids say. You never know when their words of wisdom will turn up in a story. Such as:

My two-year old daughter when I turned on the light in the middle of the night: "Mommy, the light bites my eyes." (I've already used that one in a book.)

My four-year old niece when asked her favourite breakfast cereal: "Crap 'n' Crunch." (More truth than fiction to that one.)

My young daughter when asked what bedtime story she wanted: "Sleeping Booby".

My nine-year old son, reading the menu of a food kiosk: "Perogie. Isn't that what they call old people?"

My grandson, when he couldn't keep pace with his mother: "I need faster running shoes."

My granddaughter, about seven, couldn't get the cap off a pill bottle-like container, and so she took it to her father, who opened it and explained it was a child-proof cap.

She frowned and said, "But how did it know I'm a child?"

My eight-year old grandson, when my husband told him they couldn't look at something on his phone, because the phone was plugged in, charging. "I know how to plug it out, Grampa."

My six-year-old son, joining the mob rant against a referee's call at a Blue Bomber football game: "Budget! Budget!" (My husband was still laughing when they got home.)

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Kids are an endless source of writing material, because they look at life with fresh eyes and use unique metaphors to express themselves.

On a different note:

I've added another story to the scribbler's library. This is a short story I wrote for a magazine contest back in 1999. It won 3rd prize, appearing in Storyteller Magazine. It was published again in 2012 in Escape, an anthology of works by writers of Vancouver Island and surrounding islands.

It's called Waltzing Annie Home, and is about an old woman reliving a memory of being seventeen on a Saskatchewan farm.

This is a feel-good story -- the perfect accompaniment to your morning coffee or an evening glass of wine.

Click the the link to read Waltzing Annie Home.

Thanks for reading the blog. See you next month.